Worry. Perhaps fear that the worst news is yet to come. No one ever wants bad news. Sometimes though we steal ourselves for it, prepare ourselves. Its great to be optimistic. Sometimes though, you have to be ready for the worst.
There is a quote somewhere, from someone, along the lines of hope for the best, but plan for the worst. That’s not generally an easy thing for us to do.
I arrived and met with mum and her sister. Mum has always been into politics. If she hadn’t had to struggle to earn a living as a single parent, she might well have been a political activist. She is quite fiery at times and ran for a position in county council a couple of times, not too many years ago.
Distraction. Talk of pharmaceutical companies, a recent book outlining the problems of closed trials, of publishing only positive results and of doctors swayed by financial pressures in the NHS, and of doctors swayed by drug company incentives. And of drugs not being available to third world countries because of their high cost. What sort of world is that? These kind of topics can distract thoughts of the big C, of scan results, of the approaching end of life.
Called in to see the consultant.
Prognosis. Maybe cured? Therapy has dealt with the tumour. Dealt with? How can that be? All information online says small cell lung cancer cannot be cured, only slowed by chemotherapy and radiotherapy? Mum is beaming. I bite my tongue. I think. And think. I want to believe it. I so want to believe it.
Small spots on the other lung. Too early to tell. A scan in 3 months.
We are all elated. Yet i maintain scepticism. I think of words, reassurances, of the exact semantics of those words. Did the consultant actually says she was cured? Still, I am elated. Joyful. A need to celebrate welling up inside me. I feel emotional. More than a little tearful.
And then I am home. Tired. More than tired. Drained. Needing sleep. Needing time to get my head around it all.
Am i being picky? Pessimistic. I don’t know. But I sure as hell am not going to burst mum’s bubble.
There is alot to be said for positive thinking. Even if it doesn’t produce any medical miracles, it can bring a much better quality of life, for whatever time remains.